Top 5 Lamest Villains of All Time

Something your parents never told you is that being a villain is just so much more fun than the hero. Disregarding society’s rules, there’s nothing quite like a good villain that you love to hate.

This list isn’t about that. These are the villains that make you desperately pine for something of Darth Vader, Hannibal Lector, or The Joker calibre. Perpetually short of expectations and giving the hero little to overcome (or care about), here’s some the lesser villains come across in my travels:

 

5. The depiction of nature in The Happening.

M Night Shyamalan's film asks the question: what's a better casting for a villain than nature? With the exception of the 4 entries below- almost anything. While the idea of mother nature exacting vengeance on humans makes sense to some tree huggers, Shyamalan's direction forces us to watch various characters grovel to houseplants for forgiveness. In between, we're left to struggle to understand how and why the invisible airborne spores released from the antagonists actually impact suddenly suicidal human beings. Unthreatening while being confusingly vague, the chlorophyll content makes you reach for the chloroform.

4. Gary Oldman’s crew from The Professional.

While Oldman’s psychotically over the top performance as a corrupt New York police officer at least has menace and villainy to it, his police subordinates are hilarious- with their best quality being their bizarre diversity. Their lack of authenticity comes across as something between affirmative action and the hackey sack division of their law enforcement precinct. It’s unclear, how in a make believe movie about an adolescent orphan girl who’s taken in by a hitman to become a trained assassin, that these clowns are the one element that is impossible to take seriously. Are the dirty dreadlocks, leather vests, and hemp sweater covered by their extended benefits?

3. Topher Grace as Venom in Spider Man 3.

Venom is the one of the cooler comic book characters ever, his symbiotic bio organism suit a pulsating manifestation of bulked up human partner Eddie Brock’s rage. At the time of part 3's release, we’d just watched Alfred Molina rock it as a the Doc Oc villain in Spider Man 2, not to mention Thomas Hayden Church’s underrated work as the Sandman in this very movie. So imagine my surprise when the nebbish and petulant Topher Grace was miscast as one of Spiderman’s greatest foils, Venom. Grace has great difficulty coming across as anything but juvenile, petty, and consistently non threatening- I guess Bronson Pinchot or Yahoo Serious weren't available.

2. Eddie Redmayne as Balem Abrasax in Jupiter Ascending.

In a movie featuring a half dog half human alien with flying inline skates, things really go off the space rails when Oscar winner Eddie Redmaine's emperor character enters the fray. Alternating between speaking in an effeminate whisper and incoherent screaming, it's a stilted performance for the ages that is both strange and hypnotically awful. Redmayne's false gravitas feels like it belongs in a different film, creating a push-pull tension with the rest of the Wachowski siblings' unique brand of science fiction pulp set against the performance's peculiar oddities. Bizarrely unforgettable.

1. Taylor Negron as Milo in The Last Boy Scout.

#1 with an impotent bullet, Taylor Negron’s role as the right hand man for a typical National Football League franchise owner is about as menacing as a poodle. With a haircut that resembles Anton Chigurh if he suddenly thought he was hip, Negron’s character even has the perfect name: Milo. It’s difficult to imagine where this guy came from- Carrot Top’s prop box after it went through a Euro trash factory? Negron’s take on the character, is completely unthreatening, and ensconced in lavender inspired faux civility combined with cocaine fiend producer Joel Silver’s closet. Hysterically difficult to take seriously, and eager to convince you he’s a European force to be threatened with (at least to helicopter cleaners), Milo is one of the funniest villains in film history- who doesn’t crack any jokes. We’re laughing at him when we’re not laughing with Shane Black’s script. Memorable in all of his impressively fake infamy.